Locker Room Etiquette

This week’s two cents has to deal with male on male behavior.
Now before you get excited about me outing all the gay rappers I am talking about locker room and men’s room behavior.

There is this guy at the gym I go to who unfortunately is on the same morning schedule as I am. I see him on the cardio machines and the weights and it’s all good. It goes bad when we hit the locker room. After a workout I like a ‘schmutz’ (steam) to get my mind right and sweat out the toxins before I hit the office. A steez I inherited from my pops.

Anyway, as anyone who hits the gym knows there are some people who just don’t know how to act.
People who try to have convos while standing in the buff.
Dudes who take up too much space while they get dressed.
Idiots who talk mad loud on the phone as if we all care about the deal you are about to close, or the color of your wife’s new hat.
There is this one dude who sings in the shower, but he has this crazy opera voice that makes us all laugh.

Then there is this one dude who drives me nuts. He may be the rudest cat I have ever met. He loves to come into the steam room and make these strange animal noises that are quite nauseating. Dude is sitting there (sans towel and avec enormous beer belly. Bigger than mine) blowing his noise on his hand and hocking up lugies. Thankfully he doesn’t drop then in the steam room, but what he does is walk out to the bathroom every 30 seconds to spit and clean up. Lets all the steam out and comes back and does it again.

But what is really nasty is that no matter how many people are in the steam room he loves to sit too damn close to me. And then he puts shampoo and soap all over himself and freaking lathers up. So while I am trying to get my meditation on, this prick is mixing ‘head and shoulders’ with his own nasty sweat. And it makes noises that make me want to stop writing or thinking right now. And he is one of those dudes who rolls like he is the only one in the room. Give him and the gas face and returns with a blank look and hocks a lugie.

One of these days I am just gonna snuff him by the elliptical machine and tell him to hit the gym after work because if I see him again I am gonna lock his nasty ass in the sauna and throw away the key.

Now on less pissed of note I ask what is the protocol in the men’s room.
Can you talk at the urinal?
What do you do when you are in the stall ‘dropping off the kids’ and you come out and your boy was in the stall next to you doing the same.
Do we congratulate each other?
How long should you shoot the shit in the men’s room? 2 minutes? 5?
Is it cool to walk out of the office with a magazine in your pocket because you know you are gonna be a while?
Help a brother out

It seems like women don’t have this problem. The women’s room appears to be some sort of lounge where drinks are served.
Women’s protocol also seems to be clear. They can roll together and groom each other without a second thought.

But you know, what are you gonna do?
That just my two cents